‘Imagine…’ (02.2014)

Imagine that while you’re happily going about your business at 9.30 on a Saturday evening, maybe taking your dinner plates to the sink, or making a cup of tea…a slight uneasy feeling, the sort where there seems to be something hanging in the silence…uneasy but unaware, totally, that the dull throbbing in your head is actually going to burst in a couple of hours, while you are sleeping…while you are attempting to overcome the snoring issue which has led to a night away from the love of your life, your soul mate…imagine this…what would you say? What would you do?

The thoughts which stream through my increasingly unconscious mind are…wanting to have one last moment with the people I love…my soulmate, my children, her child…I would be reaching out to them to hold their hand as my energy dissipated around the universe again…her smile would radiate, and glow within my mind, my brainwaves peaking off the chart as I look…really look at it, the smile I have longed to see my whole life so full of life and spirit…and love…pride swelling up inside me as I realise, finally realise that I am maybe a small reason for the smile…I would look at every part of her face, so that I could recognise it when my molecules form inside a human again…her eyes, I wouldn’t be able to take my eyes away from hers so vibrant and sparkly, eyes which can see straight into my soul, eyes that have known me for an eternity…

…the energy streaming in beams from my body as I lay there allows me to smile as the millions of mental photographs of her flying past me as though I’m in hyperspace…I chase each one but to no avail until I just stop and at that moment in my mind I reach out my hands to stroke the face, as I have done many times, cradling it, so precious…my arms lying motionless by my sides.

…A tear of joy silently slips down my cheek, and I hold her hand, the connection firing off sparks of light like a firework display on a dark November night, we stand there watching the flashes of fireworks which we have just made, and say the ‘ooooo’ and ‘ahhhh’ still fresh and alive despite the thousands of invisible fireworks we have made each time our hands and lips have touched…

…and then I am able to imagine the words I would say to her, the person I have taken so long to find…I would say sorry it took me so long to get to you, you have been my light since the day I first spoke to you, you have given me your hand to steady me and hold me when my world has almost spun off it’s axis…and you have loved me and made me feel loved in ways I never thought existed or believed existed…i would tell her that everything doesn’t matter, it is purely being with her and being able to hold her hand which is enough…simply that is what love is…and that makes sense. I would say I adore you with every cell in my body, which seemed to all come alive when I first saw you were real…i knew it was you because you made all of those cells tingle, I knew it was you from that moment because I felt completed, the world was clear and I understood…I knew it was you because of your smile and your eyes…I recognised you…and as her face looks back at me I shout out ‘I love you!’ Finally knowing what that means…

I feel my unconscious eyes flickering uncontrollably, the light flowing from my body but clinging onto her hand I turn to my daughters…

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